Most of us are, at various times, susceptible to using rhetoric that is inflammatory, illogical, careless, rude, or divisive. This waywardness of the tongue (or typing, as it were) is often found in the presence of impatience, hastiness, defensiveness, passion, anger, pain, and a variety of other (often negative) thoughts, feelings and emotions. Sometimes, however, it can simply be a failure in communication. I had a college professor who would tell us that some questions are unanswerable because the question is faulty. “Do you still beat your wife?” is a yes or no question that I personally cannot answer with a yes or a no because I have never beaten my wife. We are sometimes prone to asking questions and making statements like this as well. We like things to be either/or.
I have been somewhat surprised at the conversations that have been taking place on CRN.Info over the past couple of days. The norm around here has been typical of many relationships in our lives, which involve 4 ways in which we respond to what others around us say: 1) we agree with them, 2) we ignore them, 3) we get upset with them, but agree to disagree, or 4) we fight it out. Each response has its place; but sometimes I forget the value of the fourth one (fighting it out) when done in grace, respect, and forgiveness because it is so often done out of a heart and mind clouded by the previously mentioned attitutdes. When we are willing and committed to fight it out (not fight for the sake of fighting) in the community of God, our hearts and minds, our very selves are challenged and stretched to grow.
What we say and how we say it can direct a conversation, but it can also redeem a conversation. My desire has been to avoid asking questions (and making statements) that are fueled by ignorance, faulty thinking, and/or strong emotions. This has led me of late to talk a lot less (often about even important matters). But I suppose that if those things never came out, we’d all be agreeing with and ignoring each other. Healthy, functional relationships rely on the ability to disagree and even argue, knowing that when all is said and done, we’re all growing to become like Christ. Hopefully I can begin to listen all the time, and speak up when it matters.
13 Comments(+Add)
“What we say and how we say it can direct a conversation, but it can also redeem a conversation.”
James would agree.
Joe?
Sometimes it helps to wait a good long while before responding to some of the things people write.
Write what you have to say in a word processing program. Wait awhile before sending. Read a few chapters of Proverbs.
Reread what you’ve written, taking time to reconsider anything that could be taken as a slur or attack on one’s regenerate status, cognitive abilities, reading comprehension, etc.
It’s all in the delivery.
Re. Sometimes it helps to wait a good long while before responding to some of the things people write.
True. Once a disagreement begins on a comment thread, there is a rapid escalation which can be avoided by a self imposed cooling off period of at least 24 hours. In practical terms I have almost never seen anyone come on a blog and change their initial point of view in a comment thread.
Something better than waiting a good long while is not to respond at all or, if you feel very strongly, take it to email ouside the blog. And, by the way, two principles have guided me in recent years when I read something at a blog that, rather than encourage and build me up, really really upsets me.
1. Amos 5:13. Therefore the prudent man keeps quiet in such times, ……..
2. It is better to be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt, which is not from the Bible but somewhere in Proverbs it says “even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent”.
Hi Robbo,
Yes, I had planned to write something to the effect that not every question or comment deserves an answer, but I reconsidered it in light of another recent thread where it seems some people are keeping score and looking for payback, and it could’ve been taken the wrong way as a swipe at them.
2. It’s better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.
John,
I can’t believe I’m doing this but do you care to explain #2?
Joe,
You were the originator of the question posed by the title of the OP.
PB,
I have no idea what you are talking about, but Joe had nothing to do with my article other than his recent conversation with Chris R. a couple of posts ago. Their conversation was one of the ones that inspired me to write this.
Nothing is original, but as far as I’m concerned, the question in the title came from a class session with Dan Dyke at then Cincinnati Bible College (now Cincinnati Christian University).
I have it from reliable sources that Joe does not beat his wife, however Erica gets a few good shots in when necessary.
I’d also like to point out that in no way did I make light of the issue of abuse. The question is an extreme example of the fallacy that can result from such questions when they do not apply. Abuse is a serious and unfortunately rampant problem.
#7
John once again demonstrates his lack of ability to reason. I’m sure I’ve said to someone before something along those lines as a rhetorical device, which once again John misses.
And this man is a pastor!
Pastorboy – “Do you still beat your wife?” is the classic example of a loaded question.
See: The wikipedia entry for “loaded question”
See: Google for “do you still beat your wife”
I remember learning that particular question more than 20 years ago in high school in an English class…
Well since I have lived there, Dad has not ever beat his wife.